Many marriages and relationships have failed just because a partner doesn’t know when to stop nagging. All, what the partner sees or believes is that he or she is justify on what caused her anger. But that is not always the truth as nagging brings more problems such as mistrust
Did you remember to take out the recycling? I thought I asked you to clean the bathroom? You said you’d quit smoking!
Sound familiar? It should. A nagger’s script is about as full of surprises as a romantic comedy starring Jennifer Lopez. And like a crummy Hollywood rom-com, nagging brings little satisfaction. Not only is nagging ineffective, it erodes love, says Denver-based relationships expert Marcie
Here are six tips letting go of the urge to nag and letting love bloom.
1. You’re not right; you’re just angry.
Nagging isn’t smart; it’s an expression of negative emotion, says psychologist Robert Meyers. Though anger may be justified and borne out of serious concern for your partner—maybe your husband won’t quit smoking or your girlfriend has started drinking again—you should know one thing: Nagging doesn’t work.
“People get so frustrated when people continuously do something negative—whether it’s gambling or drugs—and they don’t feel they can stop it so they just increase the amount of negative energy they pour towards someone,” explains Meyers. “In our research we’ve found that’s the exact opposite of what needs to be done.”
2. Accentuate the positive.
What is a more effective technique for altering human behaviour? Positive reinforcement, says Meyers who believes non-confrontational support is a more powerful tool for change. Though you may want to berate your partner out for coming home late, don’t do it. Walk away, says Meyers. Or call a friend and vent. Later, when you’re calm and your partner is more receptive to a discussion, tell them how much you miss those nights when you used to eat dinner together and laugh and talk. By emphasizing love rather than anger, you’ll have a better chance of twigging your significant other’s heart rather than tripping their hair-trigger temper.
3. Don’t make a metaphor out of a crumb-y countertop.
‘Can you please wipe the crumbs off the counter when you’re done making a sandwich, honey?’ That’s a request. It only becomes nagging ‘Don’t forget to wipe the crumbs off!’when the request isn’t fulfilled. And while being talked to like you’re a kid is annoying, what the person being nagged may not understand is that those crumbs symbolize a lot of emotional weight.
“If after a while the request isn’t being taken care of, the nagger starts wondering why? Their mind starts wandering: ‘He doesn’t love me. He’s lazy’. And then those turn into ‘I can’t trust you’, or ‘I can’t depend on you’, or ‘You don’t respect what I have to say’,” explains Pregulman.
Naggers shouldn’t make crumbs or coffee grinds in the sink a metaphor for the relationship, says Pregulman. It’s not that your partner doesn’t care about you; it may just be that he or she couldn’t give a toss about crumbs or coffee grinds. But on the other side, those being nagged might want to consider how their partner feels when their feelings are ignored. See how easy it is to think of other people’s feelings!
4. To the person being nagged: Just do it!
Newsflash for those being nagged: it takes two to tangle. If you’re annoyed that your partner won’t quit bugging you about picking up your wet towels after you shower, then here’s a suggestion (and from an expert no less!): “Just do it,” says Pregulman. “I mean, if it is only going to take five minutes then what’s the point of fighting and bringing disharmony to the house?” Hmm. Even a slob should find it hard to argue with that logic. 5. To the nagger: Let it go. Pregulman has similarly practical advice for the nagger. Rather than rant and rave to your spouse or beloved one more time about leaving their wet towels on the bathroom floor, why not just pick up the towels and get on with your day? Is the hassle of another supercharged domestic dustup really worth its weight in damp towels?
6. Have some fun, Mr. and Mrs. Bickerson! Don’t have one more emotionally charged heart-to-heart. If you and your partner are bickering and fighting more than laughing and talking, do something radical and productive: have fun together. Forget about crumbs, coffee grinds, damp towels, hurt feelings, and sneaking surreptitious cigarettes, and reconnect with one another as loving partners in a relationship rather than as testy roommates. It’s an investment in positive emotion that will pay off later.
There are many ‘’dos’’ and ‘’don’ts’’ to make a marriage work. But couples need to understand and act upon these simple ‘’dos’’ to strengthen and make their marriage last.
Get rid of the ‘’if’’ factor
Most marriages these days are based on the ‘’if’’ factor. Most couple are afraid if their marriage would work out thereby creating mistrust in the union. What to do is to get rid of the ‘’if’’ factor and focus on ‘’How we can make our marriage.’’ Couples should be committed to the last. Look at more ways to improve your marriage. Speak more, do more things together. Commitment is the key to a happy marriage.
Care more about pleasing your partner
There is this believe that one should care more for him/herself more. But that doesn’t truly apply in a marriage. By caring more and pleasing your partner doesn’t indicate you care less about yourself. It simply means are concern about your spouse. By doing this, amazing things happens in your marriage. He or she feels loved, care about and cherished. Ralph Waldo Emerson explains this: ‘’It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another helping himself.” If you care more for your partner, the gains come back to you because you gain your partner trust in you leading to a happy marriage.
Compliment your spouse
The key to a happy union is when couple get into the habit of complimenting each other. By doing this regularly, it become natural thing to do. It wouldn’t be hard to say ‘’ oh darling you look good in that.’’ I liked the meal you prepared for john this morning.”
Talk about what’s troubling you
There’s nothing more fulfilling than being able to talk about what’s troubling you with your spouse. Could be that you don’t like the way he leaves his plate in the sink, the way he left his muddy shoes in the sitting room or the way she kept demanding for more money beyond the housekeeping budget. Best way to do this is to have a talk about how he can help around the house. Talk to her about your financial capacity. Don’t point accusing finger at your spouse. With this you build an understanding in your marriage.
Don’t report your spouse to outsider and family
The fastest thing to break a marriage is telling friend, family about your partners fault. Reporting your partner negative fault to people always bring mistrust in couple. It becomes a betrayer. If you have something troubling you about your spouse. Talk to him or her about it or if it’s something you can let go, just forget about it instead of bringing a third person into your marriage. This is not however not in the case when your partner is being abusive.
Don’t mentally focus on your partners negative
Don’t mentally focus on your partner’s negative behavior or attitude all the time. Instead think about the positive things he or she has done. By doing this all the time, you see your partner in more positive ways. It will always help with your frame of mind and bring peace into your marriage.
It is no longer unusual to see couples walking on tip toes around each these days.
This is not on connected with the fact that many couples especially young couples don’t know how to approach, speak or behave with each other. Thereby putting a strain on their marriage which if, nothing is done might lead to a separation or divorce.
Here are some tips to help improve strain marriages or further improve the bounds with affirmative response to spoken words instead of combative responses.
Statement: I’m really hungry
Wrong response: Even I haven’t eaten since morning.
Right response: Oh sorry, let’s see if there’s is something we can put together.
Statement: Why don’t you try this option?
Wrong response: Why is it that you always find fault with whatever I do?
Right response: Well, I’ve tried this before and I think it will work but if it doesn’t, I will try that.
Statement: There is no more food in the house
Wrong response: What is it. Why are you always telling me that there is no more food in the house. That this and that is not at home.
Right response: I will do something about it. Let manage what we have until I receive my salary.
Statement: Are you okay. Is something wrong?
Wrong response: Can’t you see for yourself. What a stuid question to ask.
Right response: I am not feeling fine. I think I need some attention.
Statement: haven’t you finished what you are doing?
Wrong response: You have been sitting there all day instead of helping me here
Right response: What I’m doing is much. Please lend me a hand so I can finish on time.
Statement: I bought this for you on my way home
Wrong response: How much did you buy it. What! For that price. You should have given me the money.
Right response: Thank you; it will indeed be useful. Thanks for thanks for the surprise.
7. Statement: handle that thing carefully, please
Wrong response: Am I that daft. Please just stop telling me what to do. I’m I a child or I don’t have sense.
Right response: Yes dear, I will.
8. Statement: This food is a bit salty
Wrong response: Why are you complaining? What of days the food was okay.
Right response: Sorry I didn’t know I added too much salt.
9. Statement: I got wounded in the kitchen
Wrong response: When you are not always careful doing things.
Right response: Oh, sorry, let me have a look. You need to be more careful.
There is a belief that marriage is not easy, especially when someone marries at first sight.
On the Thursday, July 13, episode of Married at First Sight, the three couples were starting to realize that decision day was fast-approaching, and no one was feeling very good about it, that’s when they decide if they are going to stay together or get a divorce.
It was gathered that the three pairs of newlyweds had recently met and seeing how the others were doing had stirred up all kinds of emotions for… well, for just about everyone. Cody was even more bummed that he and Danielle still weren’t knocking boots after realizing the other married duos most certainly were.
“It’s making me question my marriage,” Cody admitted to the camera, while Danielle added that she was longing for that passion that they just didn’t have.
Cody and Danielle Keep Trying at Their Relationship
Cody and Danielle tried to rev up their intimacy by going on a run together. It seemed to help, until Cody announced that he was “ready to go have sex right now.” Danielle froze and replied, “I don’t know if I’m quite there.” To the camera, she reiterated that the fact that Cody kept bringing up their lack of a sex life wasn’t making her feel like having sex.
Later, they went on a staycation at the hotel where they tied the knot. “I care about Cody a lot, I do,” she said to the camera. With the decision day approaching, I just want him to know that I am still in it and I am still working on it.”
They went for some drinks on a rooftop, which Cody said was “romantic.” Danielle quickly snapped that she was having trouble feeling “romantic.” Then she asked Cody how much he trusted her on a scale of one to 10. He said four or five.
Anthony and Ashley Refuse to Say ‘I Love You’
Of all the couples, Anthony and Ashley seemed to be doing the best. They were having small conflicts over her refusal to change her last name and his tendency to procrastinate, but overall, they definitely liked each other and seemed to enjoy being married. While Anthony admitted his feelings for Ashley were “growing for sure,” he confessed that he hadn’t said the L-word yet and cited the fact that people in his family didn’t say it to each other much.
Ashley meanwhile said she thought she was falling in love, probably, but she wanted Anthony to say it first. Instead of telling each other how they felt, they headed to a cooking class and then to an indoor skydiving center – but it seemed that the L-bomb would be dropped in the foreseeable future.
Sheila and Nate Might Have Too Much Passion
Though their sex life was apparently very, very healthy, Sheila and Nate were really struggling to “stabilize,” as Sheila put it. Of all the couples, they seemed to have the most passion for each other, but also the biggest fights. “We can’t build an entire life together and have such extreme lows and highs,” Sheila reasoned to the camera. Nate insisted he was “extremely committed to have a successful marriage,” but at some point, off-camera, the two had yet another blow-up argument that led to Sheila packing her things and moving out of the home they shared.
Though it wasn’t caught on camera, Sheila had allegedly called Nate a “bitch,” which he responded to about as well as one would expect. When he asked her where that came from, she said, “From you acting like a bitch.” According to Sheila, Nate had said some terrible, “spiteful” things about her past that she had considered far enough below the belt that she couldn’t stay with him anymore.
Sheila ignored Nate’s calls for a long time but finally agreed to meet. He apologized (again) but she said she did not accept his apology. “I’m not going to salvage something that is beyond repair,” Sheila said. “Words don’t mean anything. Actions speak louder than words. It is evident that you are not sorry.” She added, “I don’t want to be with someone like you, period. Now I am going to end the marriage.”
Abeokuta in Ogun State will come alive this Saturday as the daughter of Governor of Ogun State, Senator Ibikunle Amosun, Ayomide, and the son of Presidential assistant on foreign relations and diaspora, Abike Dabiri-Erewa, Oladipo, will be getting married.
The Guild reliably gathered that some music icons including King Sunny Ade (KSA) and Kwam 1 will be on ground to thrill guests with music.
Recently, SP Adeboye Taiwo, a police officer, and his wife, Ajibola Adeoluwakishi Taiwo, that were childless for 17 years, miraculously gave birth to sextuplets of three boys and three girls. And The Guild’s journey through the couple’s life, by ADA DIKE, discovered how love, hope, perseverance kept the husband and wife together through the most trying moments of their lives.
Celebration filled air across Nigeria, particular at Ishaga Quarters, Ibara in Abeokuta where the senior police officer hails from, barely three weeks ago, after news of the delivery of the Taiwo’s sextuplets was announced.
Some people may be wondering why the news aroused celebration and jubilation since Taiwo’s family is not the only family to have sextuplets in the world. Theirs is unique because they got married in the year 2000 and lived for 17 years without a child.
Their families for long had been expecting them to have a child, but all to no avail. Tongues began to wag, some family, friends and well-wishers advised them to do something about their childlessness, but they didn’t succumb to the pressures due to the immense and unfathomable love they have for each other.
“Our families for long have been expecting us to have a child. Of course, one thing I believe is that God alone gives children, no man can,” says Taiwo.
“I did not give my family opportunity to mount pressures on me because they know the level of love I have for my wife, so to tell me to do something else was not easy for them,” he explained.
Born into the family of late Samson Adeleke Taiwo at Ishaga Quarters in Abeokuta, Ogun State, Taiwo has spent 26 years into the Nigeria Police service. He joined the force when he was 22 years of age and was 48 years old last April. He has put in, his youthful strength to service of Nigeria Police and service to humanity.
Though his career takes him a little far from home, he trusted his wife that she would not cheat on him.
“Being a good woman, my wife has been faithful and that has kept us going as husband and wife. Ladies were mounting pressure on me, but I used to let my wife know because of the nature of my work. I used to see my wife as my younger sister which I never have,” he said
He noted that any time he felt like impregnating another lady, he won’t be bold.
“This is probably because I was a church boy. I thought of what people would say if they hear it. I tried, but I wasn’t bold to do that, even though there were a lot of opportunities for me to do so since my wife lived far away in another state. Nothing would have stopped me from marrying a second wife. Probably, God wanted to glorify Himself through me that was why He didn’t allow me to do that,” Taiwo explained.
“So anytime internal pressure arises within me, I would ask myself: supposing my brother in-law comes to me and say, my younger sister who happens to be his wife is unable to have a child, I should advise him, would I say, go ahead? Of course, I will be reluctant to tell him to go ahead. So if I would be reluctant, then I won’t break my wife’s heart. That has kept me going,” he added.
They lost count of drugs or injections they received while they were waiting on God for the fruit of womb, but they did not take any traditional prescription because, Taiwo said they were scared that they might have children that would make them to be sacrificing to some people or some things.
After 17 years, one day, Ajibola intimated her husband that she has missed her period, they became skeptical about it.
“The pregnancy test we did confirmed that my wife was pregnant. We were like, “Let us see. Are we sure? Is it pregnancy?” they wondered.
“We did a scan around January and the ultrasound revealed four. I was happy. What I was thinking was that if ultrasound revealed four, at least one would be alive,” he revealed.
“While I was happy that I was expecting at least, a child, my wife with medical experience was unhappy knowing the implication of the number of gestation. It was a mixed feeling to her,” Taiwo said.
“The babies covered all her body and displaced her intestine and stomach. Anytime I looked at her, I suggested we do something. But thank God she is a very strong woman. The last time I asked her whether we could do something about it, she rejected it and said she had gone far. She suggested we allowed them to mature before they were delivered. I started praying because that was all I could do.”
Due to his wife’s age which is 47, her stature and the number of foetuses, some medical doctors advised him to take his wife to wherever she could get proper medical attention. They suggested he took her to the United States of America.
“I sold my car –Toyota Corolla Sport I used to cruise with and some other things. Friends came to my rescue too. I was able to gather enough money to make the trip.”
He disclosed that she was taken to the US in order to save her life.
“I was there till she was delivered of six babies (three boys and three girls),” he said excitedly.
“After their arrival, I remembered my father’s case. He had the first child (male) and waited for 30 years before having the second child. In all, he had six children –three males and three females,” he disclosed.
“My maternal grandfather also had six children –three males and three females, so I don’t know whether having three males and three females in my family was mere coincidence or from our gene.”
He didn’t care whether the children where all males or females.
“At that level, a child is child, and to me, probably that is the mentality of men, I prefer girls. If the six of them were girls, I would be very happy. If you dress small girls, they would look beautiful. Secondly, girls take care of their parents. Boys take care of their parents in cash while girls do it in cash and kind. I thank God He regulated it that way,” he enthused.
“On the day of delivery, God proved to us that He is the owner of the ‘gun and ammunition’. A 40-person team at the Virginia Commonwealth University Medical Center, Richmond was involved in delivery of my sextuplets.”
“When my wife heard the cry of the children, she said to me in Yoruba, they are all crying, and I answered: they must cry.”
“Also, when they were delivered, because of the number, I was expecting something tiny. I thought I could cover each of their heads with my palms, but when they came, I discovered that my two palms could not cover the head of each of them. I asked, “In this womb?” If anybody wants to convince me that there is no God I won’t listen,” he emphasised.
“Some people were asking me to teach them how to ‘fire’, and I told them that if I knew how to fire, I would have scored long time ago.”
In the past, some men whose wife had multiple twins and triplets took to their heels, but Taiwo was excited when he saw his children.
“I want to stand by my responsibility that is why I won’t run.”
It was gathered unauthorised persons organised to solicit for funds on his behalf without his knowledge, Taiwo warned them to desist from using his name to dupe people, adding that he didn’t ask anybody to solicit for funds for him.
“There is one thing I want people to know. If God can give a man like me six children, it is like He is giving me an assignment. I believe He would be able to take care of the children whichever way he wants,” Taiwo stated.
“I won’t refuse if anybody, organisations or the government want to help us. If it is possible to have a foundation for these children, I would be glad. I will not refuse if help comes from anywhere,” he said.
He advised anybody that is waiting for fruit of the womb, no matter his or her religion to believe that God will do it.